My version of my life

Happy

2012-01-05T23:29:00.002-07:00

Superman

2011-12-26T23:00:00.000-07:00

“A hero is an ordinary individual who finds the strength to persevere and endure in spite of overwhelming obstacles.”
~Christopher Reeve

I heart faces~Holiday Bokeh

2011-12-20T19:33:00.000-07:00

Taiga in Holiday Bokeh. Would you believe only five days til' Christmas? Time is tickin' much too fast, can we rewind just a little.
Head on over to I heart faces and check out all the other entries for Holiday Bokeh, perhaps even submit your entry.

Gage and Albert

2011-12-15T10:03:00.000-07:00

Having a little fun with Gage last night. The girls and I made his hair all crazy like and we then taped a mustache to his little lip. So funny.

Fishin'

2011-12-15T09:59:00.001-07:00

Elliot-Murphy went fishin' last night. The kids were super excited about this one.

Reading to the stuffies

2011-12-14T09:11:00.000-07:00

They awoke to this scene this morning, I'd of been more impressed if the book was at least on the New York Times Best Seller list.

This Elf can Spell

2011-12-12T23:43:00.000-07:00

Spelling the children's name with Cheerio's. Look at my table, I have stripped and sanded, and I am repainting it. It'll be pretty when it's done. Maybe the elf could do it.

I heart faces~Furry Faces

2011-12-11T23:24:00.000-07:00

This week over at I heart faces their theme is Furry Faces. Our dog has that, then he got groomed and let me tell you that it is true, a dog can get a bad haircut. Oy. Our original groomer sold their business so we took him to a new place, poor thing knows his hair is all uneven and mismatched.
Jordy is well loved as you can tell by the image I am submitting. I love the love on her face for him, and I love his little smile.
Head on over to I heart faces and check out the rest of the great entries, it's easy click on the button or the links I have provided.

Stuck

2011-12-11T23:06:00.000-07:00

Someone was thirsty, went into the cupboards for a glass and got stuck. Just started using mason jars as glasses to drink out of and I am loving it, I have both big and small.

This elf is feisty

2011-12-11T01:14:00.000-07:00

Elliot-Murphy decided to toilet paper the tree and then started chillin' with the angel. Look at him trying to act all innocent....Ha!

Elliot-Murphy Strikes again

2011-12-10T00:00:00.000-07:00

Doodling mustaches on the children.....

The Elf on the Shelf

2011-12-08T23:45:00.001-07:00

New traditions. Love them. Love making memories for the children so I hopped on The Elf on the Shelf craze.
The doorbell rang today, and when Sloan opened the door there was a gift bag there with no one there.
She brought the bag into the kitchen and they found the little Elf.
Gage, Taiga, Sloan and I sat around the table discussing what his name was going to be we fondly came up with Elliot-Murphy. It was a compromise and I think it's a rather cute name for an Elf.
The children are in bed and this is the shenanigan that Elliot-Murphy pulled.

Zip cording throught the living room. Can't wait to see their faces in the morn.
So fun!

I heart faces~On your Feet

2011-12-05T14:31:00.001-07:00

This week at I heart faces the challenge is "On your feet."
I love little feet in little galoshes, and believe me when I tell you that we see these galoshes often. Mostly on the wrong feet, but not this time.
Love this image of her little feet in her beloved galoshes.

Click on the I heart faces link or button and head on over to see the other great images, maybe submit your image.

UPDATE~ I made the Amy and Angie Favorite.
Super excited and thanks so much all.

In the distance

2011-12-01T08:04:00.008-07:00

Forever. Well maybe not forever, but for as long as I can remember I have played the counting game. Running, push yourself, ten more strides with your left foot....one....two....three. Walking home from a friends house when I was small I would count the old fashioned lamp posts that aligned our oak treed street, up in the distance I could see the one I needed to get to and count my steps in between. Little games, they always made it easier for me when something had become to difficult.

When I brought Gage home from the hospital my little counting games would begin again in a brand new form, yet this time it would not be as easy as me seeing an old fashioned lamp post luminating the night for me to count my steps to get to it. My counting game would change to the month and day game. It would only be five years later that I would realize that I set myself up for years of heartache, disappointment and a whole lot of tears.

On my son's first birthday his trach was going to come out, it never happened. I then moved the date to his second Christmas, this would be his first Christmas home, surely somebody knew what I kind of emotional pain I was suffering and would grant me my unspoken desire for my son to have his trach removed. Christmas, perfect, snow blanketing the ground, trees covered in glistening, sparkly icicles, the perfect season and so picture perfect to have my son breathe like any other regular little child.

Christmas passed, like his first birthday, but Easter was right around the corner. He would be turning eighteen months by then, and my "game" had now added even more stakes to it.
By Easter, please have his trach removed, and God please allow him to walk. This is for sure the date, how cute would that be, him being able to walk and run with his sister's, all the while holding his little Easter basket hunting for hidden eggs and breathing through his little cute button nose and sweet little mouth. I know for sure this is when it's going to happen. I just know it.

Easter would come, eggs would be hidden. His sister's would walk and run to hide all their hidden treasures, and he would sit watching with his little basket in between his little legs and they would on occasion run up to him and give him some. He loved the excitement, and had so much fun.
I, on the other hand felt my stomach knot up in disappointment and wondered why everything I was hoping for was not coming true.
Maybe I was asking for just too much, I had upped my anti this time around and had asked for two things, that's just plain greedy Lisa. Maybe on their second birthday only ask for one thing, make a choice and choose. Do you want his trach to come out, or would you like him to walk?

Second birthday he will be walking, my date game will work this time time I just know it. Friends graced our house, the twin's birthday was sweet and I was overwhelmed with how in love I was with them both. Two years and I was becoming an old pro at this juggling act of medical supplies, appointments, and balancing my time with all three children. He never walked. I chose the wrong thing. I opened the wrong door. Maybe this Christmas I'll let things just be, I need to take a break from the game.

Easter, our third Easter, my break was over from the game. I deserve to up the anti again, I took a break, this time I want for three things. Trach to be gone, and I want him to be able to walk and talk. Three things, and he will be three this year, this for sure is the year it will all come together. The numbers are there, they match.
Easter came, only this time he was able to crawl and get his goods, so cute.
The game would need to continue, Easter failed me. His third birthday, still wanting the three things, walking, talking, trach be gone. Third Christmas...walking, talking, trach be gone.
Game fail.

A new year his fourth year, I have now changed my anti once again. I have been way to greedy again. Trach be gone, the trach removal will just make the talking and walking fall into place. This for sure is the year....
Game fail.

Year five. My games have stopped, well almost.
September 2012, his trach will be gone, and surely he'll be able to walk and talk by then. I just know it. Nine months away, no pressure. This will be his time to enter the public school system and enter into Kindergarten, it'll be like I envisioned it all along.
I'll kiss his little cheek, and I'll fight back the tears that are welling behind my eyes, he'll look up at me and give me his sweet little smirk, he'll walk away into the opened double glass doors of the school and I'll think how cute and big his little backpack looks on his petite little body. He'll turn around once, and say "bye mom, I love you." This is the way it is supposed to be.
Maybe, maybe not.
I see an old fashioned lamp post in the distance.....I move my foot....one...two...three.

Love and Peace

2011-11-16T22:26:00.000-07:00

If someone thinks that love and peace is a cliche' that must have been left behind in the sixties, that's his problem.
Love and peace are eternal.
~John Lennon

(I hope to get back on this bloggy horse soon, they say it's like riding a bike, you never forget how it's done?!)

Love to all!

I heart faces~Black

2011-11-06T17:26:00.005-07:00

This week at I heart Faces is the theme black. The shadow of the tree beside her makes her appear so small. In my heart she shall always remain small, always and forever my baby.

Without black, no color has any depth. But if you mix black with everything, suddenly there's shadow-no, not just shadow, but fullness. You've got to be willing to mix black into your palette if you want to create something that's real.

~Amy Grant

Head on over to I heart Faces to view all the other great images for this week's theme Black.

Waking up......

2011-10-10T14:45:00.000-06:00

fly.....

2011-09-19T23:29:00.004-06:00

When the little bird awoke, she was hungry. She realized the crumbs were just not enough for her anymore. The little bird then looked down and saw that there were wings by her side, these wings could allow her to fly.
~Lisa Pedersen

The Dress that Jill Made

2011-09-18T19:30:00.002-06:00

The blog world can be an amazing place. I feel blessed and incredibly lucky for the people that I have gotten to meet through this little blog of mine.
I met Jill through my blog and for some unknown reason we have always just clicked, I think if we lived in the same town we would in fact be having coffee or tea daily. I dig her.
Jill sent my daughter this beautiful dress and the quality of this dress left me gasping. I love vintage, and pretty and this dress is both of those things. Want to order one?
Here is her link:
http://www.newterritoryco.com/
Tell her we sent you.
Jill, thank-you for our beautiful creation and this beautiful little number doesn't ever stay on the hanger for too long.

The truth and wise words

2011-09-16T12:37:00.001-06:00

Certain people always have excuses; I have quit asking.

Private?

2011-09-02T23:45:00.001-06:00

On my feed tonight I saw something that made my stomach drop.
This blog has helped me immensely over the years emotionally and it gave me an outlet to express my emotions. I have met wonderful people through this blog who would often make me smile, and leave me teary eyed with the love they poured out in their comments. Thank-you all.

It is unfortunate that evil people lurk on the internet and I have been cautious with my wording, my images so those kinds of people would not land on here, but one did tonight. It disgusts me that they did and how they landed here with what they were searching for sickens me more.

Thank-you creepy guy/girl or whomever you may be for making me feel nauseous, but you need help.

I don't want this weirdo to win by going private, but I may just do that or completely call this the offical end of our story.

I will leave this open for discussion.
Private~Take emails for those of you would like to be on the list.
The End.
Remain the same and not let one moron spoil my enjoyable experience of blogging.

What do you all think?

A few of my favourite things.

2011-08-31T08:17:00.001-06:00

Last night went really well, there were a few times his sats would dip, which we then would just give him a few whiffs of oxygen and his sats would then go back to normal. Over all a great night and I could not be more pleased.

I crawled into bed with him around midnight after I finished preparing notes for the doctor, The doctor and I are having a meeting this morning and I wanted to be prepared. (thank-you Susan)

Well, I do have to say this has been one heck of an emotional ride and last night I had one of the most beautiful moments ever. I was laying there in slumber and awoke as I felt his little boy arms wrap himself tight around my mama body then next for the first time ever I suddenly felt warm breaths on my body that were coming from his nose and mouth. Honestly time stopped and it was just so "normal." My son for the first time ever took breaths through his nose and mouth while sleeping, and not only did I get to witness those breaths but I got to feel them. I felt his warm little breaths against my chest and I cannot even begin to describe the serene feeling that washed over me.

In the beginning of this journey I felt so robbed, I felt robbed that I was never able to breastfeed him. I felt robbed that he was hospitalized for the first four and a half months in a hospital and I was angry over this. Mostly I felt I missed out on my mother/newborn son bond, and in my heart of hearts I knew I would never be given that back. My mama heart felt so unsettled over not being able to breastfeed that it almost broke me. I tried to come to peace with it and wrote about it here.
Last night feeling his breaths on my chest was closure for me and I feel a gift from God. I honestly feel somebody knew I needed that, that is a moment that will forever get tucked in a pocket of my heart and I am just overwhelmed with gratitude for that special moment.

Right now I am watching his breaths come from his nose and mouth, I am watching the up and down movements of his beautiful chest and I am watching numbers on a screen that couldn't be more fantastic. These are just a few of my favourite things right now and this mama feels so incredibly lucky.

This suitcase is getting damn heavy

2011-08-30T11:56:00.008-06:00

Yesterday morning I walked down the hall following the doctor who was escorting us down to ICU. Gage buckled in the stroller, my one hand pushing him in front while the other hand lugged our suitcase behind me. Of course I declined on the help from the doctor because I am strong like that, most likely more stubborn than strong yet I like to think strong sounds more powerful.

Once those doors opened I immediately felt overwhelmed and the smells punched me in the stomach. It had been almost 4 years since I had been back. There is so much pain for me within these walls of the ICU, my brand new baby was homed here. This is where I would try to find pieces of his skin to touch that weren't covered with wires, this is where death was so near, and I struggled to stay strong but mostly fell apart.

This journey has taken pieces of me, I am slowy starting to find those pieces and rebuild although I am not one hundred percent back to normal. Can you function without being one hundred percent of your old self, or is that person gone forever? Perhaps the keyword is functioning and the missing pieces are still trying to find where they belong.

Maybe I am thinking by having the trach removed it will bring me back to my old life, and it will wash away all this pain I have been carrying around. His trach has become like a suitcase for me, I have still yet to put it down and start to unload. Parts of me want to let this suitcase go and be at peace with the trach and in reality it has been almost five years and this load is getting damn heavy.
Maybe this suitcase has found it's home and it is time to start unloading, but why oh why can I not be at peace with this?
Maybe I am not strong, maybe I am just stubborn.

3.5 in and Capped again.

2011-08-30T10:51:00.001-06:00

Waiting on the night, and as like yesterday capped and breathing beautifully.

Cap Removed

2011-08-30T09:09:00.001-06:00

Gage breathed as he should untill 9:43 pm last night. The second he fell asleep the struggling started, his oxygen levels dipped to 80, in which we then gave him a whiff of oxygen and his levels went back up.
A couple of minutes later the struggling started to happen again, we then removed his cap and he started to breathe normal.

The game plan today is to put a smaller trach in and see how well he does capped tonight.

Positive prayers and thoughts are most welcome.
xo

So far, so good.

2011-08-29T12:33:00.000-06:00

Capped since 9:43 am and breathing beautifully.
Breathing beautifully, sounds so nice doesn't it?
inhale, exhale, through nose and mouth.
Forever...
Maybe?

Wish us well

2011-08-29T08:10:00.000-06:00

It's crazy to think that in a few hours a test will be given and if he passes this test it will change our life as we know it to be. For almost five years a trach has been a part of his life, our life. I haven't accepted this life all too well, and in fact "if" the trach comes out two of my most biggest concerns will still remain unchanged. The trach coming out won't suddenly magically make him be able to walk or talk, and for years the trach is what I put the blame on for him not being able to do these things.
A little part of me still thinks it very well may be a key that unlocks those doors, foolish I know. Yet, sometimes hiding behind the trach all these years has made it easier, it has made it easier for me to believe that he will one day be able to do these things and that is what has been holding him back.

I will not give up. I want to believe this capping trial will be successful, and just maybe if it is those other two things will just fall into place. My stubborn, foolish side wouldn't want it any other way.

Prayers and positive thoughts are most welcome during these next three days.

I Heart faces~Pets

2011-08-21T22:15:00.001-06:00

This week over at I heart faces is pet week. We have one of those, his name is Jordy.

Jordy has been in our family for almost 3 years and he is from the SPCA. We batted the idea around about a pet for the children, I then logged onto our local animal shelter, and there the big galoot sat staring at me through a computer screen, needless to say I was smitten.

Jordy is the best companion for our children, for us, and he loves them with his entire doggy all. He plays with them, he sings with them, he adores each and everyone of us. I adore him too yet, when he has gas I don't so much.
I leave you all with this quote.
"My goal is to someday be the person my dog thinks I am."
~Author Unknown
Please click on the following link or the button and head on over to see the rest of the great entries.

I heart Faces~Beautiful Eyes.

2011-08-15T00:19:00.000-06:00

This weeks theme over at I ♥ Faces is Beautiful Eyes. My oldest daughter's eyes are stunning and they melt me. I am choosing this image of her, well because I love it.
"I have looked into your eyes with my eyes. I have put my heart near your heart."
~Pope John XXIII

Please join in this week, or check out all the other great images with the links provided.

Charmed Life~Gage's Video

2011-08-02T16:47:00.001-06:00

Gage's Video Complete.
I love the song I chose, I love how the video turned out and I love him.

Angel

2011-08-01T15:52:00.001-06:00

Video Number 2.
Just need to make one for Gage then I will stop, I promise!

New Video Project

2011-07-31T19:36:00.001-06:00

I have a blast making these videos, and I hope the children enjoy these when they become adults.
Enjoy!

Superhero

2011-07-16T09:30:00.001-06:00

Sometimes you just gotta act like a superhero; simply because you are one.

Trouble

2011-07-15T23:02:00.000-06:00

Dear Gage,

I know there will be times when my cooking isn't up to your expectations but it doesn't mean you need to feed your entire serving to the dog.

Time out times two.

Over and out.

Love Mom.

Love sees no differences

2011-07-11T15:54:00.005-06:00

I originally posted this on my facebook. I know I got with the year 2011 and now am on facebook. Who'd of thunk it?!

I captured this moment the other night and it took my breath away.
I found her staring deep into his eyes and the look of love that I saw in her eyes for him took my breath away.
I have come along way, I once thought this "medical stuff would be gone," that it was going to be for a short while. I felt someone made a mistake, that this kind of "stuff" doesn't happen to our family and I lived my life on hold for a very long time waiting for this "stuff' to be gone.
The medical issues are still here, yet I have started to live again.
This image is my reality and I am proud to show it, I know a while ago I couldn't have done it.
With some of his medical equipment in the back and her just loving her brother for who he is.
Love has no differences.
This image simply, is my life and I think it is rather special.

His smile

2011-07-08T19:33:00.002-06:00

In all honesty I think am finally finding some closure, I mean the door may not be one hundred percent completely shut, but it isn't as wide open as it was before and it is getting better.
There were nights I would put the girls and Gage to bed, and I would be fine. Then as I would lean over to suction out his trach, then put his trach mask over the trach, next turn on the machine that gives him moisture. I'd cry. The pity party would start and my thoughts would then start spiraling out of control; "Who sticks a catheter down their child's neck, this is such bullshit!"
"Who has to hear this lawnmower sound in their bedroom night after night, why us?"
Life can really start to blow when you are in this kind of funk and it can be difficult to shake off.

Today my funk is completely gone.
The child amazes me, we needed to go to a few stores today and while we were out shopping he simply just shoots these infectious grins at people that he catches staring at him.
His grins I swear could light up a hundred rooms and he just wins people over with his charming personality.
Gage just has this positive outlook, he tries so hard to walk and talk and he is always so grateful and happy.
My boy is a great teacher for me.

Polaroid Style

2011-07-04T10:32:00.000-06:00

I ♥ Faces

2011-06-27T09:42:00.001-06:00

Today at I heart faces their photo challenge is "a touch of whimsy." I adore this image of our little girl.
She has blessed us. She is outgoing, she shines with life and I love her and her whimsical ways.
One day when she grows I will reflect and fondly remember the boots and the shoes that always went on the wrong feet, yet for now I rather enjoy it. I love the way she says, "polka knots." instead of polka dots. Who am I to correct her? I think Polka-Knots sounds ways more descriptive.

Please head on over to I heart faces and enjoy all the other whimsical entries.
You'll be happy you did.

Father's Day slideshow

2011-06-12T00:27:00.001-06:00

I used this idea from a photographer who made one back in 2008.
I have never made a video before and I love how this turned out.
This is Mr. Pedersen's Father's Day present for Sunday.

Knowing

2011-06-09T09:06:00.000-06:00

I feel there is no greater feeling in the world for a child than knowing there will always be warm hands availabe to catch you when you are falling. The feeling of confidence our children receive by just knowing our hands are always readily available is one of the greatest gifts we can provide.

Lighthouse

2011-06-07T16:58:00.004-06:00

Five, Gage is almost five and out of those almost five years he was without a trach for 53 days. This means for almost five years I have put the blame onto the trach for his not walking and for his not talking. I don't know why, but I had/have. I need to still put that have in there because well sometimes it's hard to let go of that reasoning.

Gage had a neurology appointment at the hospital and may I add that I am his biggest cheering section. The doctor asked if he was walking yet. I then professed excitedly he can take "Almost 6 steps!!!" He can get into a standing position from sitting, I thought I would throw that in there too at the doctor. They see a five year old not walking and not talking and I see a warrior that has survived such tramautic episodes that have been bestowed upon him.

As a mother does, we stare at our beautiful children with rose cloured glasses, they are our breaths, they are our hearts and they become our universe. It is only when I go to the hospital that my beautiful child gets picked apart, his flaws get pointed out, he becomes an object, that can't walk, that can't talk, he has a trach, he is scrutinized, and well I sit there and can't comprehend why they can't notice the same beautiful child that I see. Medically he is flawed, yet my heart lovingly see's perfection.

Files were opened.

These ones.

There was an MRI done in the past on his brain. I can't remember that and then I think how much more information is in those files that "I can't remember." The findings were that his brain is smaller. I don't know if they meant his brain in it's entirety or a specific lobe. I was knocked on my ass when the information was related and I wondered why I didn't know this and it made me feel inadequate, like a dumbass.

They feel it would be wise for us to get genetics testing done and I am afraid.

What if this testing gave him a syndrome that left him with X amount of time to live. Could I deal with that? No.

Would it be helpful? Maybe, probably yes.

Gage is going to be almost five.

Today I take my head ouf of the sand and I ask myself, "Is this the trach's fault?" No.

For almost five years I have blamed the trach.

As a mother it is always easier to put the blame on what we can see, and well that trach is there jutting out of his little neck and begging for me to put the blame on it, and well I did. For almost five years I have.

What do I do now? This is a journey that I don't have the answers to and often I wish I did.
There are times that I feel as though I am a boxer and I have been left in the ring for too long and I am begging and scratching to get out , and when I am finally able to get out of the ring I just keep getting tossed back in. This fight seems endless at times, I am tired, and I can almost see the hand tapping the mat for the count of three. I may get knocked to my ass over and over again, but I will NEVER be down for the count of three, not EVER.

I am strong, my village makes me stronger. I have a friend who lives in another country, and when I am in doubt, when I am in question, and when I am weak she makes me feel stronger and acts as my rock when I need her.
She is my lighthouse.
When the storms come crashing in and I feel as though I am drowning, when my horizons are dark and black and I am not able to find my way, there she magnificently stands with her glowing, beautiful, luminous light guiding me to shore.
I am lucky.
Susan I love you.

Puddle Jumper

2011-06-06T01:40:00.000-06:00

Taiga puddle jumping after one of Sloan's plays at school.

I am here. We are all well, I am trying to sort out thoughts in my head, I am trying to find acceptance, and I am trying to unjumble my emotions and sort them out, hence the no new posts. Thanks for checking up on us, and I will post soon.

xoxo

I ♥ Faces~Yellow

2011-05-23T09:47:00.000-06:00

Bright yellow sunflowers, bright little yellow haired girl of mine that I am so proud to call daughter.
~ A daughter is the happy memories of the past, the joyful moments of the present, and the hope and promise of the future. ~Author Unknown

Head on over to I HEART FACES
Check out all the other great images that involve yellow, you'll be happy you did.

Tag and Jordy singing

2011-05-17T00:14:00.002-06:00

Letting Go

2011-05-11T10:57:00.002-06:00

Why is it so hard to let go of the life we thought we would lead, and accept the life we now live.

Mother's Day

2011-05-08T14:04:00.019-06:00

One could try to articulate what it is like to be a Mom, yet the words you try to find will somehow always fall short.
You will stare at a computer screen and try to determine the appropriate words and attempt to string those words together yet somehow you will always come up shy. I feel there are no words, as being a Mother is not about words, being a mother is about feeling, it is about discovering emotions that you never knew existed before.

As each child is born there will be pieces of your heart that will leave your body and mesh with theirs. Your heart will attempt to cushion pain, hurts, and there will be the moments that you can actually feel your mother heart break into a million little pieces. You will wonder how your mother heart will ever become whole again then out of no where there will be that one little smile, that one little "I love you," that will put each little piece of your heart back together again making it stronger for the next hurdle you will encounter.

There will be no handbooks on motherhood, there will be no directions and there will be no rules. There will be the moments that your mothering will be done on a wing and a prayer. Being a mother you will feel you have made mistakes often, yet you will learn from those mistakes. These very mistakes are what will ground you, these mistakes are what will assist you into being this great mother that you will always strive to be. Motherhood has a way of planting doubt and insecurities, yet we must always remember that we are exactly what our children want us to be; their mother. They love us for who we are, for what we are and this will teach us that unconditional love is the greatest love we could ever encounter.

Those very times that we are in doubt we will witness love. We will witness a love that our children share amongst one another and this will be when our heart congratulates itself for doing a wonderful job at this gift of motherhood. Loving one another are words that we will express daily, and when we as mothers witness our children living the lessons we teach daily; our heart reaps those rewards.

We will become the fixer of hurt little knees and fingers. Our hugs, our kisses on their little pains will miraculously ease their discomfort and we will feel honoured to be the only one that holds this miraculous cure with our mother touch.

There will be those unexpected times that our hearts and heads will wish to trade places with theirs. There will be times that our mother suit of armour will come on, this suit of armour will help us to mask the unravelling feeling of helplessness that we will sometimes feel.
It will only be when we are alone that we will get on our knees, bow our head down in prayer and beg God to help us keep it together. We will ask for his guidance to help us have the wisdom, to shine a light in our darkness and ask him to help us find the strength to soldier on.
Our mother hearts and heads will become wiser and stronger with each encounter that we endure and in the strength we always seem to find it will become our truth that God indeed did answer our mother prayers.

There will be times that we get to catch glimpses of heaven, there will be those times that our hearts will feel like it will explode into a tiny million pieces over gratitude that they are ours. These will be the times we will be unable to express the thankfulness that we felt and that we feel in our hearts.

Our mother heart cup that we hold will runneth over a magnitude of times. Our cup will runneth over witnessing their tiny fingers joined in the love that they feel for one another and our mother memory will never hold no sweeter memory.

There will be the smiles and there will be the laughter that will cause a glow of happiness take over our entire body. These will be the rewards of motherhood that are bountiful and we will feel so blessed to have become a member.

In our lives we will receive many gifts that have monetary value and we will gasp over their beauty. Then one day, our children with their dirty little fingers will approach us with their gifts from their heart. They will say "I picked this just for you, Mom!" and this will be when we realize that monetary and material gifts are just things, these gifts from their hearts are what touches our very soul. We will treasure those beautiful flowers, the rocks, the drawings and pull them out on our rainy days. These gifts from their heart will become our shelter, our sun and our warmth on the darkest of days.

Becoming a Mother I have felt honored, humbled, blessed and in my mother hand I have held a glorious bouquet of emotions that is so fragrant and grand.

I am a mother and never will I be anything greater in this world.

Today I thank my husband, today I thank my deceased mother, my birthmother where ever she may be and I thank my magnificent children for this gift of motherhood that I hold tight and dear to my heart.

To all the mothers of the world, today I hold your hands in this beautiful sisterhood that we so fortunately share and I wish you all a fabulous day.

Buttons and Alice.

2011-04-27T19:02:00.005-06:00

There are those moments, there are these unexpected times that I ever so quickly catch a glimpse of what it should have been like. A glimpse that places you into a fleeting moment in time and leaves you with such a profound taste of wanting so much more. These glimpses can leave your heart heavy. I capture images that can make my heart burn. Two children loving one another that is all, no differences. It is only I and the people who know our story that will know what lay beneath that button in its buttonhole.

Never in my wildest imagination would I have thought I would feel such great sorrow over a button and a buttonhole. I would get him dressed that morning, lovingly place his little arms in those shirt holes and insert the buttons into their appropriate holes. I would reach the top of his neck and leave that one lone button undone it would only be then that I would wrap the tie around his neck. He would look up and smile at me, and I would then think how handsome he is. His shirt covering his neck I would get to catch a glimpse of a little boy who has a neck like every other little boy, it amazed me what one button could do.

A silly little button offering a mother a glimpse of two regular children loving on one another. Yet, when I chose to undo that button from its buttonhole, there "it" would sit. A trach with a tiny black hole. A foreign object placed in her son that at any given time has the ability to unexpectedly cause her such grief and sorrow.

Like the story of Alice in Wonderland who falls into the black hole in all it's darkness; there are times that I too look into that tiny dark hole that lay in the middle of his trach that I also fall and become lost. I think Alice and I are an awful lot alike at times.

Just like Alice said and I agree whole heartedly. "It would be nice if somethings made sense for a change."

A boy and his bicycle and other things

2011-04-19T11:39:00.003-06:00

When I posted this it was a beautiful moment for me yet also bittersweet because he wasn't riding along right beside her experiencing his first bike ride also. You see having twins is a magnificent experience but there are moments because one is "special needs" (dang, there's that word I loathe) that makes it even more emotionally difficult. There are the firsts that she does and he isn't quite there yet. The not quite there yet is what leaves this Mama's heart ripped open in pain and the not quite there yet often leaves me with such sorrow. I soothe my sorrow by telling my heart he will be there one day it just isn't today; this I believe with every ounce of who I am. Then there are the moments that I become weak and clouds tend to settle in over my sunny outlook for him. This is when my beautiful little village of friends come in and blow those doubts away.

My village is commanding. It swooshes in with full wings expanded ready to lift me up when I need it, they carry me on their wings until mine are ready to grow back again. I love my village.
A sleepless night in a hospital bed with a boy that I have such immense love for and dreading an upper airway scope in the morning.
Morning has broken, I have showered, and I nervously look up at the clock. Then my heart skips a beat, a piece of my village with her glorious, beautiful wings outstretched walks through that door to pick me up. Smoothies and muffins in tow and best of all her, her company, her words, and her heart to take my Mama mind off what was to come. I have a still frame in my mind of this person's beautiful smile in that doorframe that day and this has been stored in one of my all time favourite moments.

My village is noble. They ring my doorbell when news has broke that a dream a Mama had for her little boy didn't come true. They hug you and leave. They are the tender fixers of your broken wings.

My village is compassionate. They have dug their way into the very depths of my soul and have listened to dreams that a Mama has for her little boy. They have listened to pain, sorrow, and they have wiped away tears. Your village does all they can to lessen your pain with no holds barred.

The ache you had for a little boy who never got to ride along with his twin sister still sits heavily on your mind. Spring is approaching and this has somehow intensified your ache. Yet, you know those wings that I told you my beautiful village has, you know those wings that they aren't ever afraid to use.

Well, Check out these wings baby:
(Allison, you are brilliant with your ideas for Gage. I stinkin' love you!)

My Mama wings are wide open and I am soaring. Look at these two would you! "What did you guys do today?" Oh you know the twins and I just went for a little bike ride together..... I love it!!

He is so proud of himself and I love that this new door has been opened up for him. I believe if you have enough people believing in you the possiblilities are endless and let us not forget this village that helps us fly either. The view on their wings...well let's just say the world awaits him.

What is that you ask? That's just a little old packing tape to let his little legs get used to the idea of what those legs and feet need to do. What's that pink circle thing-a-ma-bob on his shoe you ask? That's just a little play dough, from a play dough kind of day that refuses to come off and now I kind of like it on there.

His biking got a little crazy and he started to become this mad dare devil, so I had to lay down the law.

That's all I'll say about that.

Then because you weren't feeling guilty enough already for not bringing the dog, you look up at your house and you see this. The dang dog with a pitiful look asking you with his eyes, "why didn't you bring me along?!" You then make a mental note to yourself for next time. He really must come!

The buds are slowly starting to appear on the trees, spring is fast approaching and I got wings baby. This mama is more than ready.

I ♥ Faces~Wind

2011-04-17T23:14:00.004-06:00

Wind through her hair, swingin' in the breeze and being pushed by her mother. I want to always remember what the small of her back felt like as I pushed her. I want to always remember the sound of her little girl giggles that day. I want to always remember how the sunlight and wind made her hair appear as though it were gold.

This weeks theme over at I heart faces is Wind.

Please Join in.

Here is the link

I HEART FACES

http://www.iheartfaces.com/2011/04/photo-challenge-wind/

I ♥ Faces ~ Shadows

2011-04-10T17:29:00.000-06:00

I captured this shadow of our Taiga pulling her twin brother. We were walking to school to get their sister, the weather had been heavenly this day. The sun was out, the snow was melting and I loved her shadow reflecting on the sidewalk.

Head on over to
I HEART FACES
Check out all the other great images, or even play along.

Trached for life

2011-04-07T20:07:00.003-06:00

I am a Mom who has a beautiful baby boy that is alive. He will be trached for life, he will always breathe different yet this makes me able to watch him grow and thrive and turn into a grown man.
I would lie if I said I wasn't sad.
I am.
I have a very heavy heart. It lightens when I think of him though.
He is happy and he is alive. Isn't that what we want most for our children?
I know if I look at the big picture we want our children to live and we want our children to be happy and my boy is both of those marvelous things.

What is going on

2011-04-06T17:50:00.001-06:00

Currently we are on Unit 2 with a down sized trach, they will do an overnight sleep study to see how well he is tolerating the smaller trach. Tomorrow I believe they will do a scope of his upper airway to see if there is any vocal chord paralysis, if not we will then move down to I.C.U and attempt decannulation. If the upper airway has the paralysis they will discuss what our options are going to be....Grrrrrr!!
I am kind of sitting here with a very bad feeling in my Mama stomach and I am waiting for the ball to drop.
I will keep everyone updated periodically.

Eyes

2011-04-05T00:59:00.000-06:00

Magnificent, I swear my daughter has the most magnificent eyes I have ever seen.

I ♥ Faces- BEST FACE FROM MARCH

2011-04-03T16:08:00.008-06:00

And then my soul saw you and it kind of went "Oh there you are. I've been looking for you."

I had taken this image the last week of March of 2011. This very well maybe my favourite image of my lovely Taiga,
bright rosy cheeks, bright blue eyes, gorgeous smile. She knows how to melt me with just one look. I am lucky she is mine.
Please vote for my image as your favourite as it is the "peoples choice."
Just look for the thumbnail print of Taiga's sweet little face and vote.
Perhaps you would love to play also here is the link
I HEART FACES
Now go check out all the other beautiful images.
xo

The Rain.

2011-04-02T13:46:00.009-06:00

There are those rainy days that start with a few drops and then the next thing you know as you look up to see if that is all; well then the rain just starts coming down in buckets.
I am drenched.
I had been given one life and I liked my life.

Then one day I gave birth to two babies.
I had been given a new life.
My old life would never be the same again, I would need to learn how to live this new life that I had been given, and it would take a lot of pain to learn how to re-adjust.
In this new life there would be tears, there would be grief, there would be depression, and just when you thought you would never see the sun again like you did in your old life you would wake up one morning and there it would magnificently be.

This new sun would never be the same light that you saw before and the heat that once warmed your body would feel completely different; different but good. This new sun would give such heat that it would be able to reach into the cracks and holes that your new life caused you to have and make you feel whole again.
Your new life has finally become yours and only at times are you able to catch glimpses of memories of your old life. This warrior you have come to be has made you learn to smile for what was, and embrace what is.

Now in four days, you may get your old life back. You are afraid. You haven't lived that life for so long and you have forgotten it for what it once was. Those occasional glimpses you have seen of the past are like a worn photograph that has been looked at too many times. This photograph has become so faded throughout the years, yet there it still sits as a reminder. It is a reminder that only becomes real if you pick it up and as you pick up that old photograph to feel it in your hands it is then that you know that moment actually happened.

My old tattered photograph that sits as a reminder of my old life very well may become real again and I am afraid. I have become afraid of death. An artificial airway has become how he lives, I am just getting used to this new life. I have lived this new life for so long that I have forgotten how to live the old way, somebody please teach me and help me remember what it was like to not worry about breathing, and dying.

The rain is coming down harder now. I want to seek shelter and hide, yet I want to lift my face up to all this rain and just wait. I want to wait for the sun and I want the heat of the sun to say "Welcome back to your old carefree glorious life." Yet, it will never be. I have experienced too much. Where does this leave me, where does this leave us? This very well leaves me, leaves us learning how to relive all over again.

My Soul

2011-03-31T17:56:00.002-06:00

And then my soul saw you and it kind of went "Oh there you are. I've been looking for you."

Taiga do your chore and feed the dog.....

2011-03-29T18:49:00.000-06:00

I can't wait untill I am really old, like in my nineties; I will make her take care of me in such ways that she never thought possible.

Sometimes payback's a real bitch.

Still Gage

2011-03-22T19:52:00.011-06:00

It has been weeks, weeks that I have been trying to unscramble thoughts, and trying to contend with these whirlwinds of emotions that have been jolting me from slumber and leaving me so unsettled. Panicked, fearful, exhilirated and giddy over an up and coming day. A day for in which I have sat, daydreamed, fantasized and cried about over results that are unknown.

On April 6th of the year 2011, I will sit on the bench that has an abstract design on the back and blue vinyl on the cushions and stare at the fish casually swimming in front of me that are held in their aquarium. The same fish that have been there from the beginning of this journey and if they aren't the same fish I would prefer not to know. I will look at the clock that is above the double doors and watch the red second hand tick, tick, and tick, and then nervously look at the table to my left and pick up a three month old magazine that catches my eye, open it up and look at the words that I will be unable to read due to the nervous feeling in my stomach. The magazine will then get placed back onto the table and I will then stare back at the clock, then the fish, and then re-pick up the same magazine. I will continue to do this over and over again until I see those double doors swing open.

When those double doors swing open and the doctor looks into my eyes and either shakes his head no, or nods his head yes, I will make the choice. I will choose not to cry this time if his artificial airway stays in. He will still be Gage with the trach and he will still be Gage without the trach, he will still be the happy little boy that he was yesterday, the happy little boy that he was today and he will still be the same happy little boy tomorrow. I will not let that trach define who he is or who we are anymore.
I am done. D-O-N-E-Done!

We all have our stories. Our beautiful stories that start with the first step of our journey; the beginning. The meat, the juicy delicious good part which contains the learning, the learning through the laughter, the sorrow and through the tears, this is the glorious beautiful middle. Then of course we all have our ends, the finale. The final bow down for one more encore, which means this part of your story is over.

I will not live my life based on the nod of a doctors head anymore. I have been choosing all these years to live and base my happiness for what is at the end of my story. Today, tonight, I conscientiously choose to live in the middle, tonight I choose to live in the juicy, glorious goodness for in which our story still lays.

Although this is not my finale. Tonight I will bow down for the four years it has taken me to reach this stage, and this my friends does deserve a magnificent glorious bow.

Video of Gage Walking.....I'm over the moon on adrenalin

2011-03-08T11:31:00.002-07:00

Gage had a busy day yesterday, he took his first unassisted steps for the first time (on my brother's birthday Happy Birthday Uncle Lester!!) and had a hospital appointment where we signed consent forms for an upcoming bronch on April 6th. Possible decannulation and a surgery. I was on cloud nine all day yesterday, this day was huge, HE WALKED!!! What can I say I have a real life superhero in my life.

Best Photo February I ♥ Faces

2011-03-08T00:53:00.001-07:00

Give a girl a balloon and she's completely gonna let the air out of it.

Taiga was in complete shock when she finally figured out how to blow up a balloon, in fact; so shocked that the air came zooming back at her sweet little face. Love her.

Here's the link to view some more great images:

I HEART FACES

THREE~THREE~THREE~3~3~3~THREE~THREE~THREE

2011-03-07T16:09:00.001-07:00

GAGE TOOK THREE STEPS ON HIS OWN TODAY........I'M GOING TO TRY TO VIDEO THIS AMAZING FEAT!
I am weepy, overjoyed and deliriously happy.
What an amazing kid.

Changes

2011-03-02T14:33:00.000-07:00

Little girl, little girl where did you go?

Up over the mountains and down into the snow.

One night you changed; and made my heart ache,

I squeezed my eyes shut for it was all I could take.

I lay next to you we held one another's hand,

your hair all around you I brushed away a strand.

Half woman; half girl, still dancing mid air,

You grew much too fast without a minute to spare.

Mama eyes stare into baby eyes, she is wishing and hoping,

Baby accepts the growing, while Mama's barely coping.

More time she pleads, I want and need to go back,

To watch her skip and twirl until the day turns to black.

Stuff the photographs, the memories into the depths of my soul,

Half woman; half girl, glides into her new role.

Little girl, little girl where did you go?

Up over the mountains and down into the snow.

~Lisa Pedersen

I ♥ Faces "Head, Shoulder', Knees and Toes.....Anything but a Face!"

2011-02-28T00:25:00.000-07:00

My entry was taken at the park. I was snapping away at our twins when my oldest daughter casually walked over and said she picked me a flower. I love the girl holding the flower, as her Mama I don't need to see the face to know it his her, I recognize her creases in her hands, her nail beds; mostly I love how well that hand fits into my own.
Join in and click the link and share your image;I HEART FACES

Simple

2011-02-24T21:28:00.000-07:00

This was done in Lightroom....I adore this one!!
Bare with me..the novelty will wear off eventually.
Or not.

Time well wasted

2011-02-23T18:18:00.002-07:00

I now have PS Adobe Photoshop 5 and Lightroom 3.
I have no idea what the heck I am doing; I'm playing around and I cannot stop and I think I need an intervention as this photoshop business is highly addicting.
I took this image of Taiga a couple of years ago; and it is high up there on my favourite image list.
From a technical stand point I don't know if anything I have done is correct but I just love the way it looks.
My neighbour has agreed to give me lessons and I cannot wait to begin.

What do you all think?

Vote for Recycle 7 Post

2011-02-20T18:00:00.000-07:00

I don't know how to set up a vote thing-a-ma-jig so you will all have to leave which post you want in the comment section.
The post with the most duplictes wins....I'm giving you all two days to decide.
Over and out.

Recycle 6

2011-02-20T07:07:00.001-07:00

Number six. All fingers on one hand and one on another.
The sixth post from the archives that I'm choosing is this one:
http://myversionofmylife.blogspot.com/2009/11/friends-and-three.html
He makes me laugh in this post.
I love to laugh.

Recycle 5

2011-02-19T06:52:00.002-07:00

Four fingers and one thumb; the fifth post dug up from the archives.
This post warms me and I loved this day.
I hope when I am old and gray I will have a million more of these perfect moments deposited into my memory bank.
http://myversionofmylife.blogspot.com/2010/10/full.html

We do not remember days; we remember moments."
~Cesare Pavase

Recycle 4

2011-02-18T07:26:00.004-07:00

Four fingers on one hand held up....one....two.....three.....four.
It has been kind of interesting digging up all the old posts and seeing all the old emotions I was struggling with; usually when I post that is it and I rarely go back and reflect.
Some of these posts seem so long ago, more so that emotionally they seem so long ago.
Growth, you have to love it don't you.
Here is recycled post number four.
http://myversionofmylife.blogspot.com/2010/04/it-holds-my-hand.html

On day six everyone you must tell me what you all want for day seven.

Recycle 3

2011-02-17T07:38:00.001-07:00

Three fingers up on my hand..one...two...three.
I choose this one from the archives because I miss her and this makes me feel like she's right here:
http://myversionofmylife.blogspot.com/2009/12/kyria-and-children.html
Even though far away she is close to my heart.
xo

Recycle 2

2011-02-16T06:30:00.005-07:00

One thumb and one finger up on my little hand...actually I don't have little hands. I have giant gorilla man hands. Remember the Seinfeld episode when Jerry dated the woman with man hands that'd be Moi.
Mr. Pedersen is over a foot taller than me and my hands are bigger than his...crazy huh?
Anyway number two from the archives:
http://myversionofmylife.blogspot.com/2009/03/mother.html
When Recycle 7 comes I'm going to let you all pick your favourite.
Don't you all think that would be fun?
Me and my man hands think so too!

Recycle

2011-02-15T09:22:00.002-07:00

For seven days, count them seven, all fingers held up on one hand and two on another hand; this is the number of posts I will be digging up from the archives. I will use some of my favourites and bring them to the forefront.
Ready?
Okay here we go.
Day 1 or one thumb held up and only 6 more fingers to go.
http://myversionofmylife.blogspot.com/2008/08/please.html
I'd like to consider this blogger recycling and not blogger laziness.

Happy Valentine's Day

2011-02-14T09:07:00.000-07:00

Happy Valentine's Day everyone.

Gasp

2011-02-11T19:12:00.004-07:00

I love this moment, this moment went into a pocket of my heart. On a rainy day or a sad day I shall pull it out from time to time and remember how this exact moment made me feel.

Everybody knows that a good mother gives her children a feeling of trust and stability. She is their earth. She is the one they can count on for the things that matter most of all. She is their food and their bed and the extra blanket when it grows cold in the night; she is their warmth and their health and their shelter; she is the one they want to be near when they cry. She is the only person in the whole world in a whole lifetime who can be these things to her children. There is no substitute for her. Somehow even her clothes feel different to her children's hands from anybody else's clothes. Only to touch her skirt or her sleeve makes a troubled child feel better.

- Katharine Butler Hathaway

Stand proud and tall

2011-02-10T11:33:00.005-07:00

Christmas this year we received more than presents I mean a really big deal happened in front of our eyes. I have kept it close to my heart and haven't shared but now I'm about to.

We were all just sitting around talking, Gage was sitting cross-legged on the floor in front of us all, then all of a sudden out of no where he started to push his little body up bit-by-bit.

Our mouths were all left wide opened while he was attempting this new dramatic feat. I don't even think I was breathing while he was attempting, I was tense and so nervous for him and I wanted him to succeed so badly because this was a huge deal for him. Over and over again he would attempt pushing his little body up with his arms. Then all of a sudden there he was, standing in an upright position just looking at me, we all squealed, shrieked, yelled, hollered and clapped. This is HUGE!! Three times he did it for us that night. I love it!

Here are some images of Gage being able to get up to standing position. (Our physiotherapist made this little phone book for Gage to assist him since then.)

This child is amazing.

Mr. Determination

Wait for it.

TA-DA!!

Umm Hello.

What's that?

May I get a WOOT!! WOOT!!

He now does this for attention and demands claps from everyone. He is so proud of himself and I am continually amazed over the fire in his belly; He is my little champion.

You have brains in your head.
You have feet in your shoes.
You can steer yourself in any direction you choose.
You're on your own.
And you know what you know.
You are the guy who'll decide where to go.
~Dr. Seuss

Valentine's Day Cards

2011-01-20T18:44:00.002-07:00

(Double Click to view Large)

I got this idea from a mom forum and I just ran with it. LOVE, LOVE, LOVE!! I am posting it early just in case Carrie or Susan who have girl's Sloan's age would like to use this idea also. Where Sloan's hand is you now would just insert two slits and then slide a sucker into the slits so that it would appear as though she was handing you a sucker. I am going to try to hunt down red heart suckers which I think would look smashing with the props that I have used. There you are everyone personable, cheap, and adorable one-of-a-kind valentines for their classmates.

The life of Jordy and Taiga

2011-01-19T09:29:00.002-07:00

“We give dogs time we can spare, space we can spare and love we can spare. And in return, dogs give us their all. It’s the best deal man has ever made.”
M. Facklam

10 is a really big and great number

2011-01-18T16:17:00.002-07:00

Ten years.

I like the number ten on it's own it doesn't seem that big but when I correlate it with Sloan it seems like such a large number. Where is the time going?
I have been a mom for ten years now which means part of my heart has walked around in her little body for an entire decade. Ten years ago today as they pulled a little life out of my body my world changed, I locked eyes with hers and fell in love with someone I had never officially met.

Tradition says on your birthday in the Pedersen household you choose your birthday dinner; it can be homemade or restaurant bought, but it must be eaten in the home. She chose my homemade lasagna, and cheddar garlic biscuits, so I have been prepping and cooking for my ten year olds dinner and I think she is rather worth it.

Sloan Anais I love that we still hold hands, I love that we still snuggle and I love that even after ten years your daughter hand still fits so perfectly in my Mama hand. You are stubborn yet charming, intelligent, witty and incredibly loving. You are growing up beautifully and you make me proud to be your Mother.

Today is your birthday Sloan and we celebrate your life, we celebrate you gracing the world with your presence for ten entire years. Sloan your presence is so large in this small world and you fill up our lives.
I am honoured by your being and I love you all the way to Hawaii and back.
Mom
xoxo

Long Overdue

2011-01-03T22:07:00.010-07:00

Dear Tracheostomy,

This letter is long overdue; I mean it has been four years and twenty-two days. There was one point I knew how long you had been in our lives and I even had it broken down to hours, minutes and seconds. Yet, as the pages of the calendar kept getting ripped off month by month and the time with you was turning into years I stopped doing the full count down, it in fact made me tired.

My brand new baby was in ICU fighting to live and I was begging God everday to keep him on this earth with me. I knew in my heart I wouldn't be able to carry on with out him, I knew I didn't have the strength like people kept telling me I did. Those people only saw my brave face in a west facing ICU room; the ones that said I had strength never saw me fall apart in my own home.
I can still hear those sounds that escaped me that morning and I heard her little footsteps come running down the hall and I wanted to stop those sounds coming from me yet they wouldn't stop. I was out of control. Those little five year old arms hauled her little body up on our bed and she wrapped her being around me and I still remember what those five year old hand pats felt like on my back. Time froze and there we were, mother and daughter. A mother that got to feel what actual pain tasted like and a daughter that got to feel what actual fear tasted like. The night before his heart had stopped in that emergency room and I felt his death for an instant and it was then that I knew I wouldn't be able to go on without him, I knew it wouldn't be in me to carry on.

The first day I met you the Doctor came and got me from his room and led me to a private room. There I sat across from our team Doctor and as she said your name, I still remember what your name sounded like as it fell from her lips, tra·che·os·to·my.

She pushed a book towards me and I flipped it open. On the page was an image of another mother with her son on her lap with you in his neck. That would be the first time I saw what you looked like and with that first glance I knew I hated you. I hated everything about you, I hated how you looked, and all the medical jargon that came with you. Tracheostomy you just came barelling into my life and I was supposed to be okay with it. I wanted my independance back, I was so angry at how you latched onto this family so easily and I hadn't even been given the time to adjust to you. It would be then that I knew how much of a pain in the ass you would be.

While one of the people we loved most in the world deteriorated, your name was mentioned again and again. Tracheostomy, tracheostomy, tracheostomy. He would die without one.
December 12, 2006 you entered this families life.
Life or Death.
Life was chosen.
Tracheostomy I will give you that. You gave him life.

Yet.

Tracheostomy it has been four years and you still make me cry.
Tracheostomy it has been four years and you still make me mourn.
Tracheostomy it has been four years and you still make me angry.
Tracheostomy it has been four years and I still hate you, and no matter how you cling to me and think you can sway me over you still remain to be that pain in my ass that I knew you would be right from the start.

There are times trach; (sometimes I call you that and I think you owe me the name abbreviation just for the way you came waltzing into our lives the way you did.) So trach there you are; no need to be formal here, this has been a while. There are times that I make lists, you know those pro and con lists that are supposed to be helpful. On my lists I find I always have at least one hundred cons and on the other side of the list there stands the lone pro sitting there all by itself. Yet that lone pro sitting there all by itself always outweighs every negative, shitty thing about you.
My pro, my one positive that always stands alone, the one that always remains the same is;
Him.
His life.

You changed who we once were tracheostomy. You changed us for the worse on some things yet I like to think for the better on the most part and the one thing I have promised myself is I will not let you beat me. This is our journey and what a wasted trip it will have all been if I can not conquer you emotionally and spiritually. I will remain intact after all is said and done.

I would love to say that I never got the chance to meet you.
I would love to say that you will be gone soon.
I can't.
but
I can say we conquered you, maybe not physically but in the end after all is said and done, emotionally we will always win tracheostomy.

Physically but not emotionally yours,
Gage's Mom.

Twenty-Five Thankful Days of Christmas Countdown

2010-12-31T18:57:00.003-07:00

☃1☃

I am thankful for the excitement felt by the children and everything that surrounds the big day. I love that Taiga came and got me at 1:30 am in the morning. I love that she snuck downstairs and then came barreling up to our bedroom. "Oh my goodness he came she said" "What a mess he left." "He even borrowed our wrapping paper, there are presents everywhere!" "I can't believe my eyes!"

After these statements from her little mouth I couldn't stop giggling. I coaxed her back to bed. She slept with us and her next wake up time was at 6:30 am.

Here you go Santa! Chocolate chip skor and toasted pecan cookies.

Let's not forget Rudolph. I am hoping he shared with all the other reindeer.

Gage with his new backyardigan plate.

(the water on his shirt is from his machine that he is hooked up to at night)

Stockings and I think Gage thinks there maybe more goodies in there that he hasn't found yet.

The girls love helping me cook and bake so I got them their very own aprons! These were a huge hit!

Sloan's most wanted Christmas present was an acoustic guitar of her very own.

Although Mr. Pedersen didn't know he wanted a used coloured popsicle stick he was elated with Taiga's gift to him. She was tickled pink over her wrapping job and her creation.

Christmas is over for 2010 and I hope everyone had a fabulous love filled day.

Twenty-Five Thankful Days of Christmas Countdown

2010-12-24T11:56:00.001-07:00

☃2☃

I am thankful for these walls, these walls stand proud and tall and they are the foundation in our home. I used to think I wanted bigger, nicer but as I have aged I have grown to love these walls. I love that we are usually together in one room and even though the children may wander off and go upstairs to play in their rooms, I love that I can hear them. Our love has created memories that exist in these walls. The love I have for my family and the memories that exist in my heart and in my mind that have happened under our roof have turned our humble abode into a mansion.

Twenty-Five Thankful Days of Christmas Countdown

2010-12-24T11:43:00.002-07:00

☃3☃

I am thankful for these beauties here, otherwise what we like to call them "Christmas Oranges." I prefer the clementines and I swear all of this family's Vitamin C dose gets consumed in the month of December. No invitation needed they are always readily available in our kitchen. Love 'em!!

Twenty-Five Thankful Days of Christmas Countdown

2010-12-21T15:59:00.001-07:00

☃4☃

I am thankful for Letter's to Santa! I am thankful for children believing in Santa and the magic it brings.

Even as adults I think a small part of us still has a tiny bit of that belief in them. There is something to be said about the magic that is in Christmas.

Twenty-Five Thankful Days of Christmas Countdown

2010-12-21T15:51:00.003-07:00

SUNDAY FAMILY BREAKFAST

☃5☃

I am thankful for Family Breakfast on Sunday. Come rain or shine or sleeping in, it happens every Sunday around the Pedersen table. Big breakfasts, bacon, pancakes, fresh fruit, juice, it is a feast. I love it.

The busyness, the glass clinking, the laughter, just the loudness of it all I really dig. Even when the children grow, and have children of their own I hope this tradition stays strong. The loudness will get louder, the table will expand and I have demanded the children when they get married to make lots and lots of babies.

I cook a lot and have never ever made homemade waffles until last Sunday. Years and years ago Nana had bought me a waffle iron. Had I used it ever? Nope. It sat for many years, collecting dust. I pulled it out, washed it and plugged it in while I made the batter. After separating egg yolks from the whites, measuring and mixing my batter was complete.

I opened the iron and nothing! Not one speck of heat coming from the iron. Darn! What was I going to do with all this batter? Crap! Being the fast genius thinker that I am I pulled out our quesadilla iron.

VOILA!!!

I invented the ques-a-waffle!

Ha!

Twenty-Five Thankful Days of Christmas Countdown

2010-12-21T15:31:00.010-07:00

☃6☃

I am thankful for the tracheostomy forum. To be quite frank and honest with everyone when Gage first came home I was afraid in denial yet mostly I felt alone. I cried a lot.

I was afraid to invite anyone over because what would they think when they saw a crib in our living room and beside that crib a table filled with medical equipment and supplies, a giant oxygen concentrator and oh let's not forget about the noises that the machines made. I had become different; this family had become different. We were the only ones in my mind. Yet somehow I consoled and tricked myself by telling myself that soon this would be all over and I could go back to my "regular, normal" ways. This would only be for a short while. HA!

My outings had become looking into peoples eyes daring them to judge him; us. I fruitlessly scanned the crowds where ever I went searching for a little white piece of plastic that would bond me with someone in the same situation as I. How would I ever fit in? Were there others?

I had become a sneetch.

When the Star-Belly children went out to play ball,
Could a Plain Belly get in the game? Not at all.
You only could play if your bellies had stars
And the Plain-Belly children had none upon thars.

~Dr. Seuss.

We had become a sneetch without a naked neck.

Every corner I turned I would carefully check.

Surely there are others, I had read it in books,

And oh how I scoured all the nooks and the crooks.

Isolated and alone, how would we sneetches fit in?

All these stares and these looks for what was under his chin.

This world had become so big and we were so small.

Not one person like us; no not one at all.

My mission I wanted to find a neck just like ours.

I even started looking into the windows of cars.

Not one neck like ours. I really truly looked,

I would find a link to a site; and then I got hooked.

Thousand upon thousands of necks like ours.

and no I'm telling you they weren't even from Mars.

Would they help me fit in? What would I do?

Would they help this sneetch feel not so blue.

They listened about my wanting a neck that was bare.

Because then there would not be a whisper or stare.

These other sneetches with necks like ours.

Consoled and relieved some of my scars.

Four years of wanting for a neck that is bare.

Wishing upon thousands of stars I do swear.

This sneetch I am; those sneetches they are,

Have all walked many miles, we have all come so far.

Still wanting, and wishing a neck like thars,

But I no longer feel compelled to look in cars.

I am me, we are us,

Our neck is ours, no more fuss.

Those other sneetches I read about in books,

Family now, which help me tolerate the looks.

Those sneetches they did they helped us fit in,

Living with what is under his chin.

~Lisa Pedersen

I am so thankful for everyone on the trach forum.

I am thankful for the forum itself.

In this giant world we live in, one just hopes to somehow fit in and find a place they can call there own.

The trach forum has done that for me.

Much love everyone,
The Pedersen Family.

Twenty-Five Thankful Days of Christmas Countdown

2010-12-18T19:11:00.002-07:00

☃7☃

I am thankful for Life. Especially today. The above image is the reminder of what I had to do today. I was scared, I cried and after it was all over I sat on my bathroom floor and cried with my head between my knees all the while three little bodies hugged me hard.

Inhale.

Exhale.

When Gage needs to use the bathroom he signs to me, and after I put him up on the toilet I always leave him with a book and then periodically I'll check to see if he is finished. The door is always left open and as I type this I realize how ridiculous that sounds. There would be virtually no sound if he was in distress and today I have learned to be more cautious.

My Gage, my son has a trach, and I think I have always pushed that under the carpet by dealing with it by "he is always so healthy" "he's a healthy trach" "nothing would ever happen to Gage" and in reality it is a big DAMN deal! My mind likes to fool my heart by telling this mother he is not a special needs child; soon the trach will be gone. Reality, maybe not and as I type this I am sobbing because that so hurts and I have been in denial since December 12, 2006. It is a big bitter pill to swallow and although I have yet to swallow the whole thing, remnants of the pill just sit there in my throat begging to be swallowed whole and yet I still can't do it. It sucks.

As Taiga came and got me from the kitchen to tell me Gage yanked his speaking valve off in the bathroom. As I walked into the bathroom I about vomited when I saw him sitting there on the potty with the valve in one hand and the trach completely pulled out and hanging there out of his neck. I was scared. I tried to put it back in and it wouldn't go in.

I yelled for Sloan to grab me the emergency spare trach bag. She was fast. She flew up the stairs, and down the stairs. I grabbed the bag from her all the while staring at him, I grabbed the downsized trach, I lubricated it and it slid in. I then opened his normal size trach, slid out the downsized one and put the normal sized on in. I then picked him up and cried. I cried for what could have happened. I cried because reality just slapped me hard in the face and told me it is such a big fucking deal this trach business and my denial has treated it so differently.

Today I could have lost him.

Today I still have him, he is alive and I am so thankful.

Twenty-Five Thankful Days of Christmas Countdown

2010-12-18T18:41:00.001-07:00

☃8☃

I am thankful for our city's festival of lights. So many volunteer's give up so much of their time to make it happen and it really is beautiful. Thank-you Festival of Lights.

Twenty-Five Thankful Days of Christmas Countdown

2010-12-18T18:33:00.001-07:00

☃9☃

I am thankful for Tim Hortons coffee. I love you Tim Hortons and even though I may have cheated on you with the occasional Starbucks my taste buds and my heart will always remain true to you.

Extra-large-double-double thank-you very much.

Twenty-Five Thankful Days of Christmas Countdown

2010-12-15T08:09:00.001-07:00

☃10☃

I am thankful for teaching the children to share. Most things in life are better shared although I don't think suckers should be in this equation. Apparently all the children do. I love the way my heart feels when I share.

Twenty-Five Thankful Days of Christmas Countdown

2010-12-15T07:54:00.001-07:00

☃11☃

I am thankful for God. Even in my darkest hours when I find I have doubt I know he stands beside me.

Twenty-Five Thankful Days of Christmas Countdown

2010-12-15T07:47:00.000-07:00

☃12☃

I am thankful to experience the kind of love that you can feel right in your bones. The kind of love that makes you feel your heart could burst over one giggle, one hug, one tiny hand fitting so miraculously into your own. I am thankful for this great love.

Twenty-Five Thankful Days of Christmas Countdown

2010-12-12T17:04:00.003-07:00

☃13☃

Sloan is thankful for her family, Jordy, Santa, the blue fish and not the red one, her stuffies and food that her parents cook for her (only if it's good.) The hospital and God that saved her brother's life.

Twenty-Five Thankful Days of Christmas Countdown

2010-12-12T16:57:00.001-07:00

☃14☃

We asked Gage what he was thankful for and he said ah-dee-dee-dee-da-doh.

Translation is family. I like putting words in my children's mouths.

Twenty-Five Thankful Days of Christmas Countdown

2010-12-12T16:32:00.000-07:00

☃15☃

Taiga is thankful for Santa, Jordy and presents.

Over and out.

Twenty-Five Thankful Days of Christmas Countdown

2010-12-10T11:27:00.002-07:00

☃16☃

I am thankful for all that is good in Mr. Pedersen and I went into these three little beings. Who we are and who we ever wanted to be is them; shining bright and singing loud. There is good in all of us; I try to show that to my family and to strangers every day. I am thankful for all the good that is in people.

Twenty-Five Thankful Days of Christmas Countdown

2010-12-08T18:47:00.000-07:00

☃17☃

I am thankful for my oldest daughter Sloan. I am thankful for her heart, which is kind, sweet, caring, thoughtful and stubborn. I am thankful for her turning me into a Mom for the very first time nine years ago, she is my first child; my first taste of what a family was supposed to be. My heart and soul thanks her.

Twenty-Five Thankful Days of Christmas Countdown

2010-12-08T18:33:00.002-07:00

☃18☃

I am thankful for having the wisdom to be able to teach the children that it is about the tiny things in life that are what make us the most happy.

Twenty-Five Thankful Days of Christmas Countdown

2010-12-08T18:29:00.003-07:00

☃19☃

I am thankful for four Christmases that God has blessed me with Gage and allowed him to live. I am thankful for being given the knowledge to know that our lives are all blessings. This will be the first Christmas that after four years Gage became strong enough (with a little help) to hang his own ornament on the tree; I cried.

Twenty-Five Thankful Days of Christmas Countdown

2010-12-08T18:17:00.003-07:00

☃20☃

I am thankful for Christmas Baking with the children. I love the fun that we have together doing it and I love the creations they come up with.

I am even thankful for cleaning him up after he eats the baking.

Twenty-Five Thankful Days of Christmas Countdown

2010-12-05T08:48:00.005-07:00

( This gorgeous image was taken by me and edited by the amazing Caroline. She is brilliant!)

☃21☃

I am thankful for Jordy. I love the relationship he has with the children and how the bond with each child is so different.

Taiga and he are each others shadows he follows her everywhere and their love is deep.

Gage and Jordy are playmates and can be seen constantyly playing tug of war with one of the stuffed animals. The stuffed animals that once belonged to the children yet Jordy has seemed to claim them as his own. We now have a toy basket of stuffies for Jordy; he is truly like another one of our children only with fur.

Sloan and Jordy are racing partners and I love how she keeps telling him to sit until she takes her running start to beat him. Jordy has added even more life into our already busy household and I think he is the best dog one could ever have hoped for.

Jordy I am so thankful for you and I love you Jordy Pedersen.